Reflecting ...

I spent the 22-29th at my parents' house. It was a pretty good time, complete with sister drama, Bodie peeing on the floor and great quality time with mom and aunts and grama. I got to see my brother for the first time in ages, and get a look into what my family's life is day-to-day. Spent time with old friends, and lots of carbs and napping.

It was great :)

But then I came back, to the reality of a stack of bills and no money to pay them. I am trying to be patient about not having a job, but the stress it is putting on me and on Craig makes it hard not to lose it. Lose my mind, lose my motivation, lose my faith.

In many ways, I am in the same place I was a year ago: jobless and fretting. But the in-between of Jan 1 and Dec 31 is what matters. The big things like finishing my masters', our honeymoon, Craig's accident and adding Bo to the family ... and the little things, from grocery shopping and watching The Wire and learning day-to-day how to keep going.

Our relationship certainly had some transition this year, for the better - we are better at talking to each other, at being partners. Marriage is certainly a forever work-in-progress, but we put a lot of work into ours in 2008. I'm sure it will mean a better 09 and thereafter.

These last two days, I've barely been awake. I'm overwhelmed with what I think qualifies as hopelessness, and I retreat to the safety of slumber. It feels like a waste of life, but when I'm awake *I* feel like a waste of life. I did leave the house today - took CL to work, went to Off the Leaf - and tonight we are making dinner and watching movies to ring in the new year. I'm not feeling well, and neither of us very festive. But having each other, and kissing at any time (midnight or not) is reason to celebrate.

Craig told me last year that in 09, he hopes that we can expect goodness by being good to others, ourselves. That hating is a waste of energy and stunts our growth, not that of the one we are focuing our emotions on. And while yes, 09 will likely also feature the financial struggle that most people in our class are experiencing, that needs to take back burner to joy and celebration and enjoying our lives.

We only get one life, one year at a time.