Baby Steps

I have successfully journaled - and stayed within points - today. But what I really need to happen is a trip to the gym and God help me, I just don't wanna.

I don't know what it is, I used to love going to the gym. But I am at a point of dread, likely caused by my extended absence. Certainly, I prefer long walks to burn calories but right now the weather is not conducive to such. So, feeling like a loser for not going, I retreated to naptime and decided that I'd try later this week.

I'm hoping I can get someone to make a gym date with me on Wednesday. That will ensure that A) I'll go and B) I'll go. Really, I need double or even triple push to get there right now.

Doing It

It has been more than a week since I did daily journaling of food. More than a week since I've been to the gym.

And I still lost two pounds.

No idea how that happened, but I do know this: I am a busy girl. This campaign job is a lot harder than I expected and takes a lot more time. We are talking HOURS on the phone. And since my bluetooth went through the wash this morning, I'm going to be limited on my connection capability in the car.

So here's the problem: I am too busy to work out. But if I don't work out and take care of myself, nutritionally, physically, emotionally, I'm going to get sick and then REALLY not be able to do anything. That would suck more.

So, I'm going to the gym this week, or taking a walk. Committing to at least 30 minutes of SOMETHING each day. And I HAVE To do my PT every day, alternating traps and core. My shoulder and neck were KILLING me last nite, I had a headache the likes of which I haven't known in months, and I'm certainly not going back to monster pain every day. Making this a lifestyle change doesn't mean I get to skip any of that. It's hard, but I can do it because I always do.

Craig told me this week that a year ago, or even 8 months ago, facing a week like last week would have made me retreat to bed and hide. True: I spent a lot of the summer napping rather than accomplishing the things that were freaking me out. Good escape mechanism I guess, but didn't make anything better.

So, here we go. Craig has a great menu planned out, is a domestic diva like no other and I just get to take care of me for a few weeks. I'm gonna rock this. I'm down to 245, which is about where I was before the holidays. So if I can lose another 8 pounds or so in April, I might just be able to fit into some of the clothes I want.

You know, here's something interesting about my take on clothes. I dont want to be a size 4 or 6. I'd be happy at 14 or 16. Just being able to go into any store and buy what I want. There's a downtown boutique that has some cute dresses, nothing in Plus sizes. I refuse to dress like a 50 year old woman. Because I'm NOT A 50 YEAR OLD WOMAN! I am a beautiful child of God and it's in Her image that I'm created, any weight, any size. And so in worshipping God, it's important to remember that destroying my body, a gift from Her, is destroying her image as well.

Ready or not here I come!

Yawn

Today is much less exciting than yesterday. Likely has something to do with the 10 pages of thesis that I've written, on and off, for the last 8 hours or so. Yuck.

We did the BBQ chicken pizza-ish again today, and adjusted it for fewer points. I love it. Who woulda thought? We tend to eat the same thing for days on end, get sick of it, and not make it again. It's happened with chicken quesadillas already. I figure the pizza and McD's cones are next on the chopping block.

My legs are strangely aching/numb. How odd. I figure it's because I haven't gotten to MOVE ALL DAY. I am CHAINED TO MY DESK. Ok, not literally, and at least I can take internet breaks after I get through plaigarizing, er, appropriately citing, each article. It wasn't as nice as yesterday but I woulda even taken a round at the gym if this stupid paper would just write itself.

I explained the WW program to Steph today ... and my dinner conversation with Laura (sushi!) was all about success (supposedly) with WW. Anyway, I have drank the KoolAid for sure. I was actually EXCITED to give Steph the details. It's not really that exciting, regardless of how smiley the receptionists are at 6 a.m.

So basically I'm just feeling blah. Like I have 23 pages to write and have no idea where it's going to come from. Earlier I thought I should go get a bottle of wine and a wonderful Poet's dessert to celebrate when I finish, but then I reminded myself not to give food that much power, to not allow food to be my reward ... and I decided I am going to buy iTunes when I am done. Including the final Wire soundtrack. Five different versions of the theme song! Now that's something worth writing for!

Today Rocks

because I rock!!

I started the day with a therapy appt., and my therapist is fab at helping me feel like I'm on track. At the very least she agreed mom's comment last nite was pretty snotty. I also met with my behavioral mod team today, Steph and Jeff. Steph emailed me a behavioral contract, which I am going to tape onto the side of the pantry, and also the paper she wrote for the class about the project. It's nice to have someone see me as a potential winner in all this. Especially since it's someone who doesn't HAVE to think that.

She is coming up with daily goals and motivators/rewards for me. I realize that having a baby, being healthy, better self image are all the larger concepts that drive me toward weight loss, but when it comes down to the tangible, I just want to LOOK GOOD. Today I found the dress that I will get as soon as I fit it. It was hanging in the window of Marcasa - a lowcut, high waisted sleeveless dress in bright purple knit. I would be SOO hot wearing that in Cali, sitting on a balcony overlooking the beach drinking wine with my husband. That picture is my in-mind motivator for sure! To keep myself on track I'm going to write messages on the white board and mirrors, plus the dress is my new phone screensaver, complete with the banner, "Motivation".

I had big plans for today and they didn't come entirely to fruition. I was going to go to the gym for two hours, and write four about six. Well, I had computer problems, decided to write a freelance story, needed a nap. So the writing is being put off for a couple more hours. What I did do today, though, was stay really on track for points and went for an hour long walk with Zu. So I am at 32.5 for points, and earned 5 Activity Points today. I am only supposed to get 31, but having a Cadbury Egg was worth going over 1.5. Plus, how awesome that I stopped at one!?! Yep, good for me all around. I got all my water in, but am really struggling with fruits and veggies. We dont have any, had takeout for dinner, and honestly, produce this time of year sucks. Add that to the fact that it costs so much and I find it hard to be really excited about getting anything more than lettuce, tomato and bananas.

My best friend, Sherri, had her baby today - a little girl! Eve Laurel is Sherri and Craig's first (her husband is Craig too) and I'm going out there in a few weeks to visit. How fun it will be to take Eve on little walks in the stroller, hold her, nap with her and Sher. Maybe she'll be too little for walks, but they do have a trail right behind their house if not - and a DQ down the street! Can infants eat soft serve?

Speaking of soft serve, I went through a drive through for the first time this year tonite. My New Year resolution was no fast food, but I dont think this one really counted. We ordered dinner from Grains of MT, which has smaller portions and generally pretty healthy stuff. I had a pesto chicken panini, and one half had a hair in it so I the other half. Kettle chips come with, which I had about 3 points worth. After, I was really wanting a 1-pt fudge bar. Unfortunately we are out but I suggested to Craig we hit up McD's for a 3-point cone. And it was the yummiest soft serve - and probly the only - I've had all year. At least you know what you're getting at McD's the points are available for everything. Gelato is trickier bc you think it's 'healthy' so eat more, then find out it's 5 points a serving and your Grande was 3 servings. OUCH! Besides, gelato isn't worth eating unless it's drowned in espresso and topped with whip. So it's a seldom treat nowadays. We may have indulged all summer but we did get a billion points that will allow us to bring a cooler of the stuff home next time we are entertaining :)

I have found another great lunch/breakfast. Craig ate the last of the pizza from last nite -which isnt that great as leftovers, so hah! - so I had to fend for myself in the kitchen. Scary! But I managed, but scrambling an egg with turkey sausage, ff cheddar, mushroom putting it all on an English Muffin. Sure beats oatmeal (my M-F breakfast of choice, generally). I also had a handful of peanuts as a snack around 3 (11 and 3 are my hunger times, so I try to have something that wont annihilate my points). Hmm, come to add it all up now and I'm more like 5.5 points over. But you know what? I feel like I made good choices all day, ate until satisfied all the way through, and am generally proud of the day's intake. I really feel like I am back on track (a 3-day bump isn't that bad anyway, I spose) so hopefully it shows on the scale this week.

Since I am taking Phentermine in the a.m. now, I've also been able to remember my daily vitamin. I hate taking vitamins, esp. this brand which requires two for the full dose. But I know that taking them will improve my body's chances of fighting off all the nasty floating around, so I am making an effort to do so. Last nite on BL they had a really cheesy bit for One A Day vitamins. Their plugs for sponsors are always so obvious. If anyone is ever that excited about vitamins in real life, they should be slapped.

Ok I am going to write like a demon now. My friend Marlene told me I can't get away with summarizing all billion variations of bipolar disorder and the various diagnostic criteria. It's going to take forever but should get me ever closer to that 40 page mark!

The Yummiest Way to Eat Eggs...

is when they are creme-filled chocolate eggs. That's right people, I'm indulging in Cadbury still. Because I found out they are only 3 points a piece. And because I gave out most of the candy at group today. So basically, the risk is mostly gone.

However, today I opened up a bag of Starburst jelly beans. VERY high points, considering: 3 points/.25 cup. YIKES! I ate way too many of those, got a sugar tummy ache and thankfully wont need - or want - to eat jelly beans until next year at this time.

I watched Biggest Loser tonight, and had my general wave of jealousy. Why can't I lose 60 pounds, I whined to mom afterwards. She suggested it could be chocolate eggs and ice cream. How rude! True, but RUDE! I am mostly over it though, because unfortunately the woman speaks the gospel. I am sure Brittany and Ali haven't eaten a chocolate-creme egg all season!

Tonight for dinner, we tried out a new recipe. Take a Boboli crust, spread a tub of Lloyd's BBQ chicken over it, layer on veggies and cheese (mushrooms, onion, tomato, green peppers are all good choices). It was YUM and only 5 points a piece. Not PK good, I guess, but also several fewer points.

I am starting early in the morning, with appointments and errands. Among my obligations is meeting with Steph and Jeff, the pair using me as a guinea pig for a behavioral mod experiment - basically, what will it take for Angie to stick to a food and exercise plan and actually lose weight? Their biggest job is motivating me, which means they'll certainly earn their keep.

I started taking my speed scrip today. Hopefully that little capsule will wipe out the jelly beans. But, if not, another 2 hours at the gym tomorrow, among them an hour at Power Pump. I'm ready to hurt!!

Always in moderation

I was successful at beating the food Devil one out of three times in the last three days. I guess that's good right?

Firstly, on Saturday, I filled up on carrots and salad before enjoying Powder Keg pizza. So, after two slices I didn't even WANT more. Considering that this food was directly responsible for no more than 10 of my overweight pounds, I call: Angie 1, PK O.

But then we had pancakes. Craig's pancakes. With chocolate chips. And I didn't beat them. No, the pancakes were victorious. I had four of them. And two hours later a piece of cold pizza. So in this case, Pancakes 1, Angie 0.

Cadbury eggs and Reese eggs are the reason I look forward to Easter each year (sorry Jesus). So today, I bought some, mostly to provide for group tomorrow. However, I had 2 Cadburys and oh, 6 or so Reese eggs. I SUCK! And because I cannot eat chocolate in moderation, I determined that I should not exercise in moderation. Over doing it equals over doing it. So, I went to the gym and worked out for 2 hours (Well, 1:45).

Started with 15 mins. on the elliptical, went to spinning for an hour (took a break at :30 for water; took a break at :45 to puke. Yay me, I guess. There's something about working out until puking that seems honorable, but yet, pathetic). Wrapped up with a half hour of Zumba. I won't get a work out in tomoro (work, school, work) but hope to at least walk or something over my lunch hour if it's nice. And if I don't want to just hide from all children in the world.

If only I overdid it as well in regards to say, salad. Bring on the Romaine!

Inexplicable

I lost 1.6 at WI this morning. Considering I didn't do much hard core activity (walking doesn't make me sweat it up like other stuff) and ate as much ice cream as I wanted (and gelato too, mmm) one would think that my dread of the scale all week would be appropriate.
Guess not.

ANd here's the thing - Incredible Shrinking Husband gained a pound. I have no idea how. The man eats pretty well (although he admitted to daily muffins at Travel Cafe all week) and works out like a madman (60+ APs!) I dont know how he does it but he was rightfully bummed about it. I know that feeling. So I couldnt really blame the attitude until, well, until I did blame it.

I went to a fundraiser tonight and the food they serve is always nast. Of course, I ate it all tho! Two dinner rolls, banana cream pie, mashed potatoes and chicken. I am down to 20 flexies for the week and we have pizza planned for tomoro nite. It's going to require major APs. Might have to RUN from Miles City to Terry.

Talked to the doc today and she prescribed me some speed to get my metabolism going. Hurray! Makes me nervous, the side effects don't sound very fun (poor sleep) and people who take it often gain after bc they think they can eat anything while on it. That is NOT the case. She told me to just be careful and not go crazy on food after I lose. Deal.

I watch Biggest Loser, and I have NO IDEA how they do it. They work out all the time, have healthy food always, yes. And no other obligations, true. But 10+ pounds in a week!? I don't think mere mortals such as myself can do it. I just don't understand how it would be possible in the face of all life requires.

My goal for this week is simply track EVERYTHING. Also, I'm going to eat CORE friendly foods and potentially switch to that program. Because whatever is happening on Flex ain't moving the fat. I'm losing inches so I know I'm doing something right but the scale isn't moving. Not Fair!

Going to go work on my favorite form of activity ... sleep :)

grr...

Being Fat makes Shrinking Ang crabby! Part of my failure at weight watchers is that lack of progress doesn't usually make me motivated to work harder. It makes me want to say 'Eff it.'

For instance - I gained a pound two weeks ago, stayed the same this week. So how did I react? I ate ice cream for three days straight. Didn't journal or count points. Skipped out on water and indulged in wine. Ate out, twice.

I think I've analyzed where that kind of skewed thinking comes from - I figure I work my ass off and nothing happens, so screw it I wont work my ass off and nothing will happen. If I have to skip ice cream to do this and "this" doesn't happen, then I'll just eat ice cream. If there is more faulty thinking about this topic, I don't know what it is (note: I have ALOT of faulty thinking about food, among other things).

Anyway, I made gourmet tonite - stuffed mushrooms. They were about 10 points worth, but I had a kick ass walk with Zu through Pioneer tonight. She starts whining the closer we get to the park, I guess it's her way of telling me she loves our walks. Thank goodness it's lighter outside, it's possible to get a little more done in our days.

Expanding ...

my brain! I'll be spending most of today and several more weekends in the library, working on my thesis. 40 page average, which is just a matter of GETTING IT DONE. I have all my research read (and highlighted). The worst part of it is the APA Style, which I've worked with for two years and am still clueless about.

So that's my excuse for skipping the gym today. Thankfully it's going to be light longer from here on out, so perhaps Zu and I will take a post-library walk. Our trek to Pioneer Park yesterday was very nice, with a bonus of Craig joining us for the walk to the Y and back.

I haven't been feeling well so my food intake is sketchy to say the least. I was able to survive dinner of fish and rice last nite, tho, topped off with ice cream. Ice cream is great for a tummy ache, right?

I stayed the same at WW this week, so am down two pounds since my 'restart' 6 weeks ago (when Craig joined). That is CRAP. He is down 17 pounds. Wendy is down 30. I don't know what I am doing wrong, but working out and counting points has so far not contributed to any shrinking. People say 'you're building muscle' but that is little consolation. Anyhow, I start my core program at PT this week and will have to be more committed to doing my strengthening for my shoulders on my own. I might miss Joe but I will NOT miss PT. My goal for core: be able to open a pop can with my abs ;)

Still Shrinking

Incredible Shrinking Husband just reminded me I haven't updated in a while ... I reminded him I am not exactly shrinking so it doesn't really matter.

I have gained one pound, after losing three and staying the same for a week as well. My physical therapist was thrilled to hear the news, figuring I'm gaining muscle. I sorta doubt it - the pound is more likely due to two days worth of binging, complete with gelato-latte-sundae. And yes, it was THAT fantastic.

The pound gaining did something to me I've never experienced - made me more motivated to stay on track this week and kick that scale's ass! I have gone over on Sat. and Sun. for points but have already earned 8 APs, mostly by walking (including an hour-plus walk with Zu to Pioneer Park and back, traversing slick sidewalks and limped-out hip).

I do NOT love the elliptical as I once did. Actually I dont think I even loved it I just tolerated it. I dont really love the treadmill or walking the track alone either, but they are decent substitutes when dog walking is out of the question, as on windy MT days it so often is.

I am going to Helena for the next couple days for training with Healthy MT Kids. I am really nervous about getting exercise in and avoiding blowing my points, but here is my plan:
-When going out to eat, order fish and grilled veggies. No potatoes, fried or mashed!
-Starting with salad so I'm making sure to get in veggies.
-Walking around the neighborhood if possible or, if there is a gym, going to it on Monday night. (have no idea where we're staying so ... glad I'm not driving!)
-Take along pop, veggies and fruit, bars and oatmeal. That way if I am not interested in the breakfast offering I can boil up some oatmeal. And the extras will be my 11 and 3 o'clock snacks.
-Journal. Every little thing.
-Give myself some grace. Being without a stove or fridge makes eating On Plan hard to accomplish. I will do my best and have Wed. and Th. to be at the top of my game.
-Deny myself. Skipping the treats, saying no to dessert, drinking water or pop if we go out for drinks. I had two glasses of wine Sat. and they turned me into monster bitch!

Wish me luck. Hopefully calories burn faster at higher elevation!