FEEL the BURN

So if my computer and memory card were compatible, I'd post of pic of me right now. Not a 'look how much I've shrunk' pic but a 'look how much I've sweat' pic.

Tonight I had an Activate America workout and added 30 minutes of cardio. So I got there early, put in 30 on the elliptical, and hopped on the recumbent bike for the 'get your heart rate up' portion of the class (mine was already a'boomin). Then, Jessie told us we would be going up to the track to do laps - one each of walking, jogging and running. And we'd do it twice.

So we get up there and I tell her during the walk how nervous I am because I DON'T run. Ever. I can run across the street and feel that is a victory. I was always the slowest kid in class, and have been of the opinion that I have no desire to run unless someone's chasing me, and then it better be fatal if I don't. Jessie, being a great trainer, of course encouraged me and told me how great I was doing - so I started the jog. Then on that last lap of run, she encouraged me to 'push it! push it!' and I did. I tend to think my jog is fairly fast so maybe there wasn't much difference between it and my run - but it could be that my run is just very slow.

There was a guy up there running who made it look so easy. He went hard and fast and POUNDED around the track (oo, anyone else get turned on by reading that?). And in my tendency to compare myself to others, I felt inferior but I KEPT GOING. I couldn't get my breath after I ran, so I walked really slow in order to be able to breathe.

No help.

I did the next set of laps way behind everyone else just cheering myself to get through it - and when I was almost done, Jessie announced "we're doing another set! c'mon guys!". So I did. Sorta. I jogged (shuffled) one lap between two laps of walk.

Because one of my goals of all this is to be able to run a 5K (and eventually walk the Avon Marathon for Breast Cancer or whatever it's called) I do want to keep running. But I'm going to take a hit of albuterol as part of the prep. Tomorrow, I am going to do 30 mins. machine work, abs and legs. But Friday, I'll be back on that track, pushing myself to go just a little farther.

Naked Truth

So I did it. Got a full month mirror. Stood in front of it in my birthday suit.
And now, I'm going to describe (as an artiste) what it is I see in that mirror.

Head - Hair the color of autum leaves and a complexion of sun speckles. Beautiful smile with a hint of laughter in the eyes.
Chin - Round and soft like a baby's.
Neck - Not all that long but leads to a set of strong, built shoulders.
Cleavage, chest - A strong chest that blossoms into full breasts of pale cream. Breasts are young and solid and full of preparation.
Stomach, abdomen - Folds of soft butter or icing, piling above my hips.
Hips - Wide and soft, spreading slightly from my stomach and abdomen.
Butt - Full and high, a booty that supports.
Thighs - Large and flexible, the tops of my legs are like the cup of a winner's trophy.
Legs - Wide on top and narrown toward my ankles. My calves are defined with the flex of a woman who is always going somewhere.
Ankles - Spindly, almost, they look even dainty.
Feet - Bones and veins extend toward the top of the skin. My toes stop short.

Try it. It's fun - ok, at least it's educational.

It Ain't Easy

There are days when my final goals seem unattainable - be able to run a 5K, wear the same size I did in high school (which, by the way, was not a 6. I generally think maintaining high school weight for women who do things like give birth is complete bull, but I was a pretty decent sized young woman so will be a decent sized not-so-young woman too). I want to be able to eliminate my back pain and have a core that actually supports me. Not out of this world goals, but getting there has never even been within reach, so I get frustrated when I'm not making steps of progress. Because, after all, why would I possibly succeed this time when I've been a failure all along?

Well, to combat this negative self-talk (good therapy word huh?) I am presenting:
Angie's Proof of How KickAss She Is:
1. I landed myself the world's greatest husband ;) (that's more about how kickass he is I guess)
2. I have one degree in a field I love.
3. I'm getting another degree in a field I love in about four months.
4. I am stronger, faster and have more endurance than I did a month ago.
5. I still have a helluva high kick.

So. I'm going to try remembering, more often, all the ways I already kick ass. And tell myself that this challenge of losing weight/getting strong/being healthy is yes, difficult and a long process, but not totally impossible. After all, it wasn't long ago I would have said that I'd never get a master's.

And I've still got that high kick.

Living a different 'if'

As someone who has struggled with weight my whole life, I often couch things in terms of 'if' - "If I lose 10 pounds I get new shoes" ... "If I were thinner people would like me more" ... "If I lose this weight I can do XYZ". But what if those ifs are all null and void? What if I never lost another ounce? Would I still do what it is I'm doing?

I worked out tonight like a demon. My pre-exercise meal was oatmeal, and I had a gouda-avo-turkey wrap after. If I don't lose weight, was it worth it?

I have long said that I'm in this for the health benefits. And thinking about it in that way, I really have to face that. Yeah, I would be here. My heart is stronger, I need to increase my energy level, endorphins fight depression, and my joints can only get better. If I never lose another pound, I will never wear a size 14. But if that were the case, I'd still be in it to win it. Go big or go home.

In "Overcoming Overeating" (life changing book - get it) I have been challenged to take three big steps - there's of course the vowing off all diets (DONE. WW doesn't count I figure since I so seldom stay in my points, it's really about helping me make better choices and have options that wouldn't otherwise be available) but also buying a full length mirror and cleaning out my closet. The thought is that if you wear what you can wear now instead of keeping around thin- and fat-clothes, you're in the moment. Also, by seeing your whole body you are able to become familiar and comfortable with it. What a novel idea, eh?

I am really loving my Activate America class, it has introduced strength training and pushed me beyond a level that I would take myself to. My teacher even commented on my flexibility tonight, it was like getting a gold star. :) Now I'm off to the shower (icing the neck and shoulders already done). My hair was already wet with sweat tonight so you can just imagine how excited the hubby would be to crawl in bed with me.

Listening to my Body

I have been working hard lately to listen to my body. What that means to me, I guess, is eating when I am hungry, and easing up on my work out when it starts to hurt.
Tonight, my body was kind of snipey.
I was really hungry at about 4, but figured I could eat when I got home. I did eat, but nothing meal-like (I was expecting some leftovers from hubby's lunch but apparently his body was just snacky). So I grabbed graham crackers and PB, and finished off the jar.
I tried to log onto my online class, but I dont know if it wasn't up or the prof cancelled or what. I couldn't get in. So at about 630, the pup and I laid down for a power nap. When Craig got home at 7, he was pretty surprised to find me sleeping-hardcore. I just couldn't keep my eyes open for some reason.
I was feeling rather low on energy all day. I intended to go to the gym tonight after dinner, but the one-car situation means I have to leave when Craig does. My soreness and honestly just not wanting to convinced me to stay home. Plus, I have come to fear swimming. I was so sore and in so much pain after the last round in the pool, I don't really look forward to diving in again, pun intended.
Yesterday and today I ended up over my points. But today, I had lower points and made crappier choices than yesterday when I had lots of fruits, veggies and general good-for-me-stuff.
My supervisor is doing weight watchers right now, too, and it helps me to stay accountable and on track. We share our goals, struggles and successes. She has more ambitious goals than I do right now, but I am coming off a pretty low blow (read:high gain).
In group therapy tonight with the boys, we talked about coping skills: the ones we hold up as 'too hard' and those that we tend to fall back on. The latter tends to be more negative than the former. I am the same way.
These are the coping skills I WANT to use: deep breaths; meditation; talking about how I feel; journaling; exercise; listen to music/sing; play with Zula; hugs; positive/encouraging self talk
These are the coping skills I DO use: eating; crying; sleeping; whining; negative self talk. You can add heavy drinking and smoking to the list of tools I used in the past. Have to say I am glad those are no longer on the list.
The NH primary coverage is very exciting, energetic even. There's change happening in this country. And with me too.

Down Two!

It may not be a big deal, but after a three pound gain last week, I must say losing 2 pounds was great news.

Weight Watchers has some new tools out, really good ones. The one we discussed today was taking care of oneself as she does those she loves. I do a pretty decent job of that, but not so much when combining wife-mom-school-work. And how do women with children do it? Or SINGLE moms? They are the most amazing machines. Anyway, my goal for the week is to remember to take care of myself as I return to the Ranch and school.

It was a weird day, but a good one. We bought a new car! An 07 Explorer, 20K miles. Our car payment decreased $200 as a result of turning in the Ram, but alas, we also traded in the Neon. We only got $1K for it, but it sweetened the deal I guess. However, we were there for FOUR HOURS. By the end, we were starving and as a result binged on Fuddruckers. Dinner was Raisenets and popcorn at the theatre, where we saw Juno (FAB movie, btw). I also had some pretzels, half a Kashi bar and glass of white wine. Regardless of the points value, I would say it coulda been worse. We were scheduled to attend a southern crawfish-feed fundraiser tonight but weren't hungry bc we had lunch so late. I am sure Craig will mourn not getting crawfish all week, so I'll have to whip up a super-duper dinner tomorrow night.

I intend to try out Anytime Fitness in the Heights tomorrow after church. The Y is a little too kid-friendly on the weekends. There is going to be an Anytime downtown, just a few blocks away, next month but they won't have a pool. I gotta have a pool, just in case.

T-12 hours

I weigh in tomorrow. I can't help but be nervous. I think I did really well this week and it should show on the scale. But if it doesn't, how do I keep motivated, how do I keep from throwing in the towel? I guess quitting isn't an option. I wish this were easier but if that was the case we'd all be size 4s.

It's been beautiful here, which makes for perfect Zu-walking weather. Yesterday we trotted to the end of the street and back. On the way back, the kids playing outside at Garfield School all wanted to see the puppy. They reached through the fence and told me all about their puppies and kitties and moms and dads. Very good, cute kids, and Zu didn't bite a single one. She got extra treats for that.

I went to the chiropractor and today got a massage. My chiropractor had no suggestions for pain management and couldn't really say WHY I was in excruciating pain this week - perhaps as a result of increasing my activity level? The massage felt like I was broke in two. I came home and iced, slept and moped until about 5 p.m., which was the time I could finally walk without feeling like my head might roll off my neck or I needed a sling for my arm. Anyone who thinks I'm spoiled for getting massages can trade me places anytime.

Because I wasn't amubular (is that the right word?) Zu and I slept most of the day, she curled around my head. I am going to pop my last dose of ibuprofen for the day, ice it up and head to bed. Thank goodness I have a good book to get me through being bedridden. And yes, that *is* a little dramatic.

Wish me luck tomorrow. If I do well, how about I get a new car?

Two in a Row!

Blogs, that is. Three days of cardio in a row. And two days this week of strength training. I'd say we're off to a good start. Last time I made it to the gym more days in a week than not was ... October? That's the most optimistic estimate.

Today's exercise-induced malady is that my OTHER shoulder hurts. I've been seeing my chiropractor biweekly for about a month now. She is sure in just a few more weeks I can cut back to once a week. That's good, because the price tag is not healthy. We'll see what she has to say about my aches and pains this week. It sounds like I'm an old lady but it's really my parents' fault, they gave me bad-back genes.

I had one of my favorite meals today - a turkey-avocado-swiss sandwich. I prefer them on an everything bagel but opted for lower-point artisan bread. There was NOTHING unhealthy about it. I also bought a 'pouch' of smoothie mix from Target. I've heard good things about it (thanks to WW message boards and Hungry Girl) and figure it will be a good way to get some fruit in. Produce this time of year is blah, and honestly, I am not about to waste any points on blah food.

In other news, I got the confirmation call for the Activate America class that I'm taking. It starts Monday. I can already work out, cardio wise, but its the strength-training and ACCOUNTABILITY elements that I need some extra support on. Plus, my auntie Loretta is joining me for the class so I get to support her too. I have fantasies of it being like Biggest Loser only no one wins money, we all just lose inches!

Putting my feelers out for a few other jobs tomorrow, including for the spa and and as a gym attendant, showing people how to work machines. What a kick that would be! Both would be really fun jobs. As would the community-organizer pseudo-political positions I've applied for. Craig starts a temp position tomorrow, so I've gotta catch up.

So I think my first 10-lb reward should be "Dance Dance Revolution" for PS2. What a better way to burn some calories? Any other suggestions?

Back for 08

So I haven't blogged in months because A) no one reads it anyway and B) my weight loss wasn't going so well.
Surprise, some one DOES read it (thanks Rae) and even though my weight loss is still crap (back to where I started with a 7-pound three-week gain over Christmas) I have a new motivation that I think can only be helped by writing. I mean, if I want to eat a bag of chips, I can write. And if I want to avoid exercising, I can explore that through writing. But I am really hoping that this time I can make the committment to be at the gym for REAL. I tend to give up on myself pretty easily, but I'm making steps to amend that. I have my WW-for-life-partner, Betsy, keeping my butt in gear; am taking a two-month group training class with my aunt Loretta; and I am watching Biggest Loser. Tend to hate the show but there is something about seeing people lose 20 pounds in a week that is invigorating.
I know what I need to do. And the truth is, I'll be giving up a lot if I dont do it. We've agreed that having kids is not an option with either of us at the size we are. And because there's a small window of time of when we're ready and when Craig is under 45 (love you honey) we hope to get started on that mission about the beginning of 09. So, I have a year to get healthy enough to be a mom on all kinds of levels - I dont want to be the mom who gets winded running around the park. And I dont want to be the lady who gets diabetes while preggers. So there's that.
Its funny- when I think about it, I know every reason getting in shape and healthy matters. But when I want to eat cheesecake or skip the gym I seem to forget those benefits. What would it be like to sleep better or not have such a bad back? Those things will be helped with weight loss. Or the experience of shopping in ANY store I wanted - something I've never actually experienced ? Last night I had a dream that I was back in high school, and Mike and I were going to prom. I was going through my old dresses and in my dream - a state of unconcious mind you - I realized that I have gained 65 pounds since graduation from high school. Now they didnt get on overnight, and wont go off that way either, but if this is beginning to haunt my dreams then its time to take my subconcious seriously.
Eat healthy and exercise. How can something so simple be so hard?

50 pounds. 52 weeks.