Poor fat kids

I have worked in social services for a little more than two years, and the one trend that crosses all agencies is this: crap food.

People in poverty tend to focus on meeting their needs and surviving more than getting in five fruits and veggies each day. In fact, for those using food stamps and relying on commodities, fruits and veggies are basically the greatest luxury in the fridge. Instead, noodles, rice, boxed meals and starches tend to fill their stomachs from childhood to adulthood. These trends are passed on to each generation, just like alcoholism. So now, we are facing a nation of fat people who don't know how to eat. Thanks, government!

I was working at SCH last week when the food bank order arrived. The food was split amongst three houses, feeding about 12 kids and 7 women. I helped carry in and put away the food distributed to the main house.

We had a lot of sugar and flour; pancake mix and boxes of mac and cheese; hamburger helper galore (except no one can afford the hamburger) and a shelf of white rice. Ritz crackers and boxes of brownie mix, tubs of frosting and cans of salty soups. No veggies in a can, or fruit in a can (ok, maybe there were a few). The yogurt in the fridge was paid for by each of the women individually, and they share responsibility for picking up milk. The four tubs of cottage cheese in the fridge - well, they don't like it. Off-brand Chex cereal is the morning meal. The ladies have been admonished to stop drinking pop, so now they'll do it out of the house and make their smoking cessation/drug and alcohol recovery even harder to manage without a shot of Pepsi. Although it's a good idea, there's just so much someone can handle at at time, right?

So next time you read something about how fat all the poor people is, remember it's not because they choose to eat junk food. Considering a bag of grapes is $3 and Big Mac is $1, they are just making sure their food dollars stretch through the day.

A Screeching Halt

This week has not been a pretty one. And by not pretty I mean "filled with high-calorie, low-nutrition food."

I felt pretty crappy about myself all weekend, which meant I ate what I wanted when I wanted. In particular, cereal. I have an addiction to Special K Red Berries. And though there are worse things to binge on, I found out today that just a cup of the stuff is about 160 calories rather than the advertised 110. So my 3+ cups cost alot more than I even realized as I stuffed my face.

Last night I went to DQ and picked a brownie earthquake sundae from the list 'o treats. But here's the thing: it sucked. Rather than an ooey gooey chocolately good mess, it was more like a blah brownie, some crumbled oreos and soft serve. There was just a little of the fudge, so that didn't even make up for it. I need to just stick with what I know I like I guess.

We have been eating out a lot, which doesn't bode well for the waistline. Today I had a burger and fries for lunch, and sweet potato fries and some nachos for dinner. Not a vegetable in sight. We are going home for the weekend, and fried food and beer are the staples of Festival weekend so I don't intend on making any big progress then. But on Tuesday, upon our arrival, I will have a no-sugar no-flour grocery list, menu and PLAN. Add that to the workouts I have included in my daily schedule - heart-exploding cardio AND muscle-tearing weights - and I hope to at least make up for the damage I did this week.

The fact of the matter is that I need to lose weight. It will improve every facet of my physical health. A couple asthma attacks had gotten me serious about it, so I'll be doing whatever it takes to keep focused in the next couple weeks. Including absolutely nothing. If I feel a binge coming on, I'll go to bed. If someone invites me for drinks, I'll pass for a book and iced tea. And if husband suggests we go out for dinner, I'll incorporate a salad into the day's cuisine.

I believe that God gave us each a body that He created with utmost care. So destroying my body doesn't just hurt me, it's rather disrespectful to the Big Man. There are people who rely on nothing more than prayer to lose weight, and while I don't want to test my faith (because even Lutheran guilt doesn't make a cookie unappetizing) I can certainly ask for strength in this fight.

So, I'm going to enjoy the next few days. Find joy in starting a new book and add a chapter to the story in my head before closing my eyes, throw myself into the work of finding work and make sure I'm at the gym each day. And then I'm going to have a big change in my diet, and I'm going to keep on enjoying life. Because cookies or no, it's a good one.

Make Myself Sick

Really, I do. I am feeling totally gross right now.

It's no secret I try to soothe myself with food. Lately I've done well with substituting exercise with food, or at least working out enough to not need the sugar/carb highs. But I am pissed at myself, for losing my wallet and phone, so I dealt with it how I know. I ate.

I had hotdogs at work tonight. I hate them but was soo hungry and that's what they had for dinner. Then Craig, darling that he is, brought me a sandwich and some chips. That was nice. I got home and ate two bowls of cereal.

I didn't sleep last night because I was mad at myself for losing stuff. Tonight I won't sleep because I'm mad at myself for eating because I was mad at myself for losing stuff. Totally sick.

Food Victory

I attended a PFLAG meeting tonight under the auspices of registering voters and signing up volunteers for the Obama campaign. Seeing as the PFLAG community makes up 10 percent of Montana's liberals, they had it covered.

It was still a good time, and I met some very dynamic women. The purpose of the event was "ice cream social," so as soon as I walked in the door I got a sticky label with my name and was pushed toward the ice cream.

No, I don't eat ice cream, I told the nice lady. Well, there's sherbert, she says. Mmm, no thanks, from me. How about the yogurt then? she asked? None for me, thanks, I respond. Well I am sure you can find a healthy choice over there, someone tells me.

Um, it's four gallons of ice cream with various sauces and syrups. Healthy is not an option.

It's hard enough to decline something that I find to be among God's greatest gifts to humankind without someone pushing it on me. I eventually said something to that effect - as passively as possible - and they left me alone. But man! I have a Diet Coke here people, let me savor the sweetness of NOT having ice cream.

I have to admit, passing up ice cream is not something I've had a lot of success with. I credit the strawberry-pudding smoothie and fabulous turkey (plus swiss, avocado and tomato) sandwich I had for dinner prior to going for my ability to just relaly not feel like having any. It's true what they say - eat before a function and you won't eat at it. Of course, since I tend to eat before AND at it, it's not something that I usually have a lot of luck with.

Another food victory tonight went to the dogs. We had a nice walk late this evening, intending to go to the playground for them to frolic amongst the slides. But as there were children (I guess for whom the playground is actually INTENDED for) we kept walking. Eventually we crossed paths with another man and his dog, and as our pooches sniffed each other out we got to talking. Usually in this situation Zula annoys the other dog to all hell and barks at the stranger like someone's life is in danger. It's especially obnoxious when the stranger is a man. But there was nary a peep from her, and since Bodie listened and was his general good-natured self, I was praising them as we walked home. "You can even have a whole treat tonight!" I promised, since they usually each get 1/2-1/3 of a treat. Then I realized - the dogs don't care how much treat they get. It could be a pound or an ounce and they would just be thrilled to have the goodness chicken jerky provides their little tastebuds. But in my world, doing well means a treat - a cookie or frappe, ice cream or candy bar. And I am just messed up enough to pass this terrible habit to my children, er, dogs.

Marlene brought me over a book and some fitness mags tonight. She is doing the Body for Life program, which combines nutrition, cardio and weights to transform the most out of shape among us into hotties in twelve weeks. She is really pumped about it, and her enthusiasm is catching. She asked me to join with her, and I said I'd think about it. The truth is, I'm scared. What if I can't do it, and this is just another thing I fail at? What if it's hard, or I get tired and start slacking off? What if I miss out on my favorite foods and hate going to the gym six days a week? The other option, being fat, apparently isn't frightening enough to make all that worth it.

Valuable information

Your body=
10% genetics+
10% exercise+
80% what you eat.

Gives those potato chips a lot of power, eh?

In the battle of good versus evil ...

Lives are often judged in terms of good vs. bad - our behavior, our relationships, our educations and personalities. For someone like me - actually, just me - good and bad applies to food too.

Cookies - bad. Carrots - good. Cheesecake - bad. Apple - good. The list goes on, as I am basically able to applie this judgement to everything in the grocery store, everything in the pantry, everything I put in my mouth.

This makes my recent 'rating' system of my daily food intake difficult. Although the 'super', 'ok,' 'not ok' symbols are as kind as they can be, I'm having problems how to actually rate my day based on what I eat. Because in my world, too often the bad outweighs the good.

Here's where I'm stumped: Yesterday, I ate really well. Omelet for breakfast and sandwich for lunch. Smoothie before work and I took a variety of snacks to have at work so I'd be able to eat what I wanted and not just what was made at the house (Warning! control issues!). I had them all eaten by around 8:30, and figured I'd just power through any hunger that I experienced in the next three hours.

But I got off at 9 instead of the scheduled 11. When I got home, pizza boxes greeted me from the counter. Husband and Father in Law ordered pizza and breadsticks for their dinner. And they left some for me.

Now, pizza is a food that I try to just keep neutral, like Switzerland. There are nutritional elements to pizza, it's the avoidance of binging that is most important. Plus, my therapist worked on this concept with me for AGES and dammit if I don't want to wint this battle.

Even though I wasn't hungry, I attacked the pizza. I had cinnamon breadsticks with frosting, thin crust pepperoni. Never mind the breadsticks were hard and the pizza cold. Never mind it wasn't even my favorite kind. I dove right in.

And when I was done, I had the 'uhoh, bad girl' vibes. I felt like I imagine Zula does when she is scolded for peeing on the floor or something. Even though my day to that point had been plus worthy, did the pizza undo all my good doing?

What do you think? Are 3 slices and 3 breadsticks the evil in this battle? Do I deserve a minus sign for yesterday, or was it plus worthy?

*NOTE* I just had a mini bag of Doritos at work bc I'm rather hungry - despite my snacks. Again, I wrestle with good vs. bad.

Considering these are my own effed-up rules, you'd think I'd have some sort of definition for the game.

Exercise Excused

I like to exercise. Really, I do. Walking with my dogs is one of my favorite things. When I have a trainer, there is nothing like the feeling of pushing myself to make me know that I can do anything. And finally, dragging myself out of the Y, sweaty and weak, red and messy, I feel like I just did something that no one else could have done for me.

That said, it's really hard for me to exercise. I'll get in a groove and go-go-go for a few months. But if I get busy or some other life element creeps in, the gym is the first thing on my to-do list to get cut. And once I stop working out, getting started again is harder than the last time I walked in. Because I know it's hard. I know that I won't feel good the first time around. And I know that I shouldn't have stopped in the first place.

I did a group training class at the beginning of the year. I felt AWESOME. Twice a week for an hour each, I got in cardio, stretching and weights. I did each move right and used muscles I didn't know I had. I lost inches, my clothes got looser, I could go longer without losing my breath and even felt stronger. But after class ended, so did my time at the gym. So when I went back this summer and discovered just how out of shape I'd become in a couple months, was I ever disappointed. All that work, gone. And no one to blame but myself.

So, next time you want to skip the gym, or are too tired to walk, here's an excuse proof guide from Weight Watchers. Now get to the gym!


Wall to Wall Mirrors
In a study published in Psychology and Health recently, researchers from Canada compared how unfit women coped in one of four conditions: to cycle for 20 minutes on an exercise bike alone with no mirror; to cycle alone in front of a mirror; to cycle with two to four other women with no mirror; or to cycle with two to four other women in front of a mirror.

The women who exercised with others in front of a mirror appeared to suffer the most— they felt less revitalized afterwards, more exhausted and more self-conscious.

Solution:
You can shut your eyes and just focus on your movements on machines like cross trainers or bikes. Or focus on watching TV or someone across the room and not yourself.

Muscle Men Hogging the Weights Space
“Gyms are often dominated by cliques and really narcissistic types only interested in their own reflection in the mirror,” says Ian Turrell, a personal trainer from Newcastle upon Tyne and Wear, England. "There are more and more gyms which are starting to have a private workout area, away from the normally bustling free weights area, which is encouraging for first time or new users."

Solution:
Find a gym, which has separate areas for weights and stretching. Go at quieter times when there aren't crowds dominating the area.

Not Many People My Age/Size/Weight Go
Shop around your area to find a gym that does cater for your age group or fitness level. Going to classes is another option.

Solution:
Many gyms will offer a free trial period or charge a small fee for a pass that gives you access to their gym for anywhere from one day to a week. Use this time to scope out the scene and see how you feel about the environment, employees and other members. If you're not happy with that gym, sample another one.

It’s hopeless: I still don’t know what to do while I'm here.
Ask questions. Be assertive: The gym staff are there to help you, so find a friendly- looking one and ask them to explain what the machines are for and let them know what you find tricky.

Solution:
Having a personal relationship with a friendly face there will really help.

I hate the music.
The cheesy dance stuff churned out in most gyms is often cited as a reason people don’t like spending too long there.

Solution:
Wear an iPod or MP3 player with your choice of music.

I just don’t feel like a gym user.
Fake it—buying some cool fitness clothes and dressing up to go to the gym will start to build an association of feel-good feelings with the place.

Solution:
You don’t need to lay out a fortune. Just some nicely coordinated outfits that flatter your shape will make the association of feeling good with looking good.

Remember, exercise has to be enjoyable if you are going to stick at it. Don't forget to start slowly and give yourself time to get used to this new active lifestyle.

And if you need motivation, call me for some. Because motivating others makes me want to move it too. It's all about support!

Independence Day

I found this online at Weight Watchers, and it's a great exercise. It goes along the line of declaring why you're on this journey.

Start from scratch.
Decide what you want to change about your life right now. Are you feeling overextended by family and work commitments? Stressed by recent life changes? Tired of not feeling good about yourself? All of these circumstances can impact your weight loss.

Write down what you're struggling with and how you want those things to change. Include your Winning Outcome (a subscribers-only tool from Weight Watchers Tools for Living). Declare your weight goal, and say how your think your life will be different when you reach it.

2. Use the declaration below as a guide.
Copy and paste the text into a document of your own, replacing the underlined words with your own struggles, goals and strategies. Print it out and post it somewhere prominent (like on your refrigerator). Refer to it whenever you feel you need a boost.

3. Post your declaration on our Message Boards.
Use our example below as a guideline, or make up your own. Try it now.

My Declaration of Independence
When, in the course of my life, it becomes necessary for me to change how I handle certain aspects of my life, I know that I have enough strength to do that.

After all, I have a right to feel healthy, live to a ripe old age and enjoy myself.

I shouldn't have to feel tired, depressed and unattractive, and I refuse to feel that way anymore.

I know losing weight is hard. When it comes to food, I have an especially hard time with chocolate, pizza and food lying around the office.

But it's worth it to me to dedicate myself to the task of losing weight, and I will do what it takes to meet my weight goal of 140 pounds.

I am dedicated to my plan for weight loss, and to get there, I will exercise three times a week. And I will make time for myself without feeling guilty about it.

Now is my time, and I WILL make it happen. This is my Declaration of Independence from the obstacles I struggle with daily. Let the fireworks begin!

My declaration would look like this:

When the going gets rough, the tough get going. I am a strong, beautiful woman. I want to know that every time I look in the mirror.

I have the right to health and happiness, and don't want to drag around needing naps. I want to have energy that helps me make every day a good one.

I will not feel unattractive, depressed, ugly or tired anymore. I have just a short time on this earth and I am going to live it as the best me I can.

Losing weight is hard. I will not be perfect but persist, starting over after each mistake. I binge when I'm upset, and eat more than I want to at barbeques and restaurants. I am weak in the face of chocolate but know that nothing is off-limits when eaten in appropriate portions.

I am worth this hard work. Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels. And so I will work every day on improving myself and loving myself, making myself and my health a priority.

I am dedicated to losing weight. I will exercise at least every other day. I will track what I eat, assess proper portion sizes and rate my daily food intake.

There is no time like the present. I can do this. I have success in other areas of my life and this will be no different.

What the?

So I weighed in yesterday ... and gained. I honestly don't know how that happened. I have eaten better and worked out more in the last week than in the last three MONTHS. It's like gaining is the worst thing that could happen, so why do I bother getting on the scale each week? I am thinking of cutting back to bimonthly - make sure that I don't go up, but not have to deal with the weekly fluctuations.

I had lunch with my folks today, and the faulty thinking habits were in full force. We were at DQ in Lockwood, and to prove that I'm a big girl and can do what I want - I ate. An Ultimate cheeseburger, fries and an enormous cone. I wouldn't eat that stuff normally, but when my folks are around all my good habits seem to disappear. Take this example - at their house, I eat Pop Tarts. I haven't eaten Pop Tarts in years. Haven't bought them since I moved to Billings, at least. And when they have cookies and chips in the house, I will take handfuls, then hide them until I get somewhere I can eat them alone. I remember doing this as a kid - walking into the kitchen like it was no big thing, getting as much junk food as I could stash, and walk back to my room like I wasn't up to mischief. I don't know if I ever fooled anyone, but the feeling of getting away with something was always so laced with guilt that I don't think I even got any satisfaction from it. And just like Adolescent Angie, today I was awash in self-loathing and guilt after the meal. I can't begin to number the times I've detailed this experience with my therapist, who encourages me to think of food as fuel. Food hasn't been fuel at all, ever, in my life. I have to work very hard to change that thinking now. It must be like languages - healthy habits are easier to learn when you're a kid. Please know that this isn't in any way pointing blame or faulting my family. I am the one who chooses to do this. I'm just saying that sometimes I make really lousy choices.


*NOTE* I have now tried to post this three times. Funny how life gets in the way?
(Sunday)
I started my new workout routine today. Or what I hope becomes a routine. I did 10 mins. walk, 10 bike, 10 elliptical. I would like to do that circuit once, then twice, then three times, as in every other day. Walk or lift or swim on off-days according to soreness and time. I have only missed the "every other day" rule once, and that was on the Fourth when temps hovered at 104. Napping seemed to be a better health choice that day.

I have also started rating my food intake. I get a star, plus or minus according to the day's eating patterns. I had a couple minus days in a row, but now a star and yesterday a plus. I am hoping that I can determine if there are patterns or routines that I can prepare for. And, if I see more minuses than plusses at the end of the month, try to be more concious about it in the next 30 days.

Craig and I went to the movies twice this week. Earlier in the week we went to Hancock. It was 10 pm, I had just gotten off work. Was very hungry ... so proceeded to eat half of a large popcorn, bag of twizzlers and pop. When my weight was up the next morning, I couldn't help but think that had something to do with it. Today, I took my own snacks. Had a Fiber One bar, bag of grapes, and I took in a pop and water bottle. I didn't drink anything. I left feeling ... ok. Not like I'd binged. Not heavy and engorged. Not disgusted or guilty. I just felt fine. Much better than the other option.

My most-recent message from "The Secret" (I subscribe via email) was about Request-Believe-Receive. I suffer from self-doubt and cynicism. Well, maybe I don't suffer but it certainly influences my life. I sold Mary Kay once, for a nanosecond. And the whole time the director was convincing me this was going to be the best thing I ever did, I was thinking "bullshit." I didn't want to do it, didn't think I'd be good at it, didn't believe my personal success was possible via that route, and basically set myself up for failure. And guess what - I did. The same thing goes with my weight loss and to some extent, my job search. If I think "I'll never lose weight" or "I'll never find a job" I probably won't. It's similar to the saying "whether you can or you can't, you're right". I even caught myself, as I was reading Secret success stories, thinking "this is all hooey". Well, I believe that the people who had success attributable to the Secret don't think so, or they would have never gotten there! The Law of Attraction is certainly powerful - think about when you really want something and it just somehow comes into your life. It's applicable to a lot of things, but part of the law comes from working it. You can't just sit around thinking "I believe I'll lose weight". You have to *show* you believe. We don't walk around saying we believe in God but never acting on it. We incorporate thanksgiving, prayer and worship in our lives. The more we look for God in our lives, the more she/he is evident. Faith begets faith.

I found an exercise on line that has the reader write the five top reasons they are going to lose weight. They can be anything as long as it is something important to , not family, friends, or the latest designer's vision. Here are mine:

1. More energy!!! I would love to be able to move and walk and run and get through a whole day without being tired or wanting (needing?) a nap.
2. My family. I want to be around a long time to spend my life with Craig, and someday even have kids. I don't want to be a mom that drags around.
3. My health. Heart disease is the number one killer of women in the US. Diabetes is a real concern for anyone with a BMI as high as mine. I already have back problems and breathing problems, and those aren't going to get better as I age unless I have less of myself to haul around. And finally, there are some very real scientific connections between the cell mutation that brings on cancer and obesity. I quit smoking for me, and now I'm going to be healthy for me.
4. CLOTHES. That's right. I am that superficial. I want to walk into a store and buy anything I want. I want to look good regardless of how old a tshirt is (Last summer's clothes are NOT this summer's clothes, for example). And I want to go shopping with my friends and not need to separate to go to the Fat Girls' section.
5. To love me more. I look at my body, I see my reflection, and I don't like it. I see pictures of myself and think 'my god is that what I've become?'. I am self-concious to the point of wondering if others are judging me, and with that comes a loss of self-confidence. A strong Ang is my favorite kind, but that Ang is hard to get to come out and play when she is overpowered by thinks-she-is-ugly-and-fat Ang.

Try it. Think about it. If you're on a weight loss journey, why? If it's not about you, reassess. Because this is a really hard project and if you're not going to be the one getting satisfaction out of it why would you bother?

Start your engines!

Today starts the 'family weight loss challenge'. I'm not entirely sure who all is involved - Trista, Sara, me, mom and the aunts for sure. Dad and Craig are iffy.

It is so hot. I took the dogs out when I got up at 930 and it was sweltering. God bless Craig and Ron for unpacking in it yesterday and today. We had steak, potatoes, veggies and angel food cake with strawberries and ice cream to celebrate. Put me 20 points over my limit for the week. At least I start over tomorrow, BEFORE Grama's BD party.

My 'no more than one day without working out' pledge is going to be REALLY hard to stick to today due to the heat. I work at 3 so can't really go to the gym after 130, and I hate being there with the lunch crowd. I would like to quit the Y and go to Anytime Fitness, which is new, nice, and has AC. I downloaded a one-week pass but there is no one there today to meet with me. So that leaves walking. I know the dogs would like to go but they wouldn't last 10 minutes. Maybe I can get them out tonight when it is cooler. I get off at 930 so I'd need Craig to protect me. Or just take Sausage, he is a lot more intimidating than my pups. Of course, that would require me to leave Zu and Bo at home bc he is SO HARD TO WALK! It seems every time I try to assert dog whisperer-techniques on my pups they get naughtier. Or maybe it's just that I get madder about it than usual.

I was reading something about "goal weight" the other day, and it talked about physically vs. psychologically comfortable. Our physical comfort is usually higher than psych comfort. This is why I think I could weigh in at 180 and be good with it. Stil, it's 20 pounds more than BMI suggestions, but I remember 180 as a weight I was at for a long, long time. I haven't weighed less than that naturally since elementary school. And there's alot more of me (or at least my boobs) nowadays.

But really, I don't even know what my physical comfort level is. I dont' know that I've ever experienced it. I just know that I've NEVER been satisfied with my weight. When people say "I just need to lose 20 pounds," is that because they'll feel healthier or just better about themselves? I know that when Craig lost 70 pounds spring 07, he felt GOOD. It was a difference of being able to ride bike 20 miles or not for him. I don't know what my physical marker is. It has become something to ponder and figure out. I think I will know that I am happier with myself when I STOP holding my stomach/sides, which is something that has evolved since last fall or so. I catch myself doing it a lot and it's NOT an attractive look.

If anyone is interested in getting daily email updates on recipes and food information and such, go to www.hungrygirl.com. I am a subscriber and there are often reviews of new foods, revised recipes, and information on being a HEALTHY hungry girl.

I discovered a new smoothie recipe yesterday. It's really tasty and makes about 16 oz. worth. Gets a fruit and a dairy in - and you could get two fruits if you added more. Mine was pretty thick but I stirred it up and then was able to just drink it.
Here you go:

1 c ff milk
2 T ff/sf pudding mix (any flavor, I used vanilla but there are a lot of options)
1/2 C frozen strawberries (I used a whole cup of fresh strawberries --> 1 c=0 points!)
dash of vanilla
Totals four WW points
ice (for texture, as desired)