Nurture or ... nurture.

This week I've explored nurturing ourselves with my clients. Most of them had a really hard time identifying how they nurture themselves, and it was even harder to remember how they did so as a child. My childhood was free of the trauma and violence many of them experienced, and I never pretend to have similar experiences as they do, but I've noticed how I currently nurture myself and how it's similar and different to how I did so as a child.
When I was a little girl, grama could fix anything. This is still the case, and when I'm sick, lonely, tired, or experiencing any negative feeling I know talking to grama can fix it. Likewise, when there is something great going on I love sharing it with her to hear the excitement she shares with me. I'm so blessed to have had her as a constant in my life. I've added a closer relationship with my mom and aunts as well as one of the best ways I know to nurture myself.
I'm happiest when I'm cuddling, whether it's sitting on the couch with the dogs and Craig, the doggers surrounding me in the easy chair, or holding hands with my mama. My sister was a source of nurturing when I was a kid - she's 10 years younger and the love I had her for her filled me with happiness - and when she stays with me, Craig gives up the bed because he knows cuddling with her is going to make me happy for days to come. Again, this is a nurture-skill that I've always relied on.
I know that a good book or funny show will nurture me and wrapping myself in blankets. Creativity and showing off is nurturing to me, something that I could rely on as a cute kid who got lots of attention more than is possible now. Sweating it out at the gym is nurturing body and soul, and I am a firm believer that you have to work out when you least want to because it'll feel so damn good after. Being outside and listening to music, writing (sometimes) and long hot showers with millions of creams and gels are all the keys to feeling better for me. Prayer nurtures me, although it may be among the least-used skills I have. And my friends nurture me, just by being my friends. That's really cool.
And then there's food. My relationship with food, as dysfunctional as it may be, has always been one that works for me when I really need it to. Tonight, a cup of hot chocolate and piece of peanut butter-toast (grama's homemade bread no less) and the stress and aches of the day moved from the forefront of my mind. I looked for other options to nurture myself out of a blue mood, but no one answered the phone. Proving, to my chagrin, that food is the tool that I can turn to when I don't even have the energy to find other sources of nurturing.
This goes to show, I think, that the ways we nurture ourselves can also be the ways we hurt ourselves. Drugs, alcohol and sex were named by several clients as ways they've made themselves feel better, even if the end result wasn't a nurturing effect.
It's so interesting to think of all the ways people nurture themselves, healthy and unhealthy. I'll be sure to notice all the ways that I am nurturing to others, because that's the best way to nurture myself of all.

Within these sacred halls

I went to church with my mom today for the first time in more than a year. I likely went on Christmas Eve 2008 but every time she's asked since I pretend I can't hear her.
Zion Lutheran is where I learned about God, Jesus, forgiveness ... and fear. The God preached to me in confirmation class was one of fear - I was in my 20s before I concluded that I might just not spend eternity in a firey hell.
My own faith was influenced heavily by my time at Holden Village (holdenvillage.org), where I learned that not only am I loved and forgiven but so is EVERYONE ELSE. For most of my life that God only loves people who worship Jesus and live the Bible word for word. Being part of a community that explored and loved God as more than a mostly-punitive, distant parent was pretty liberating.
When Craig and I church shopped in 2006, we found a place where the sermon not only *addressed* the ongoing war but the preacher was so bold as to say that God wasn't on anyone's side and might even not want war to happen. Again. Mind blowing. Our most recent church, the now-defunct Well, met at a church and most of us had a pint of ale with our gospel. I'll always remember a relative's condemning gasp when she found out that we drank during church, even though Jesus himself was a pretty big fan of wine, it seems.
So Zion, in so many ways, has represented a message that was limiting rather than freeing. Last night, when I agreed (forced?) to go to church with mom, I added to my prayers that God really be with me today during worship, that my fears and anxieties be relaxed and I just absorb His love.
Coincidentally, church today was all about love, featuring Corinthians 13 - "the greatest of these is love" verses. The pastor, who was new to me (a small, rural church with plenty of in-fighting=high turnover of clergy), shared stories of people who dedicated their whole lives to love - the founder of Habitat for Humanity and Mother Theresa among them. At one point during the service, a woman with four kids took two of them to get a bottle, and left one of the infant twins with his older brother - who was quickly losing his grip of the squirmy boy. My mom quickly moved to get the baby and held him for the remainder of the service. I couldn't help but think that this simple act of holding and cuddling a little boy was the best example of love I'd experienced in the church during service. Even if it wasn't love that affected millions, it made a difference to a mom and her baby.
So yes, God was with me at Zion this morning. I often forget that She is with me ALWAYS, regardless of where I spend my Sunday mornings.

Starting Monday ...

It's often that the changes we want to make in our lives are put off. Usually, put off until Monday. I've recently seen people make some amazing changes in their lives - working out and eating better, facing the demons of their pasts, talking about feelings in a way they've rarely done - and I'm always amazed. Those kinds of life changes are HARD. But I've never found anyone who put the work in and wasn't grateful for it afterward.
I've been thinking about what, exactly, I want my life to look like. I know I want to have kids and a healthy marriage, close relationships with family and friends, be part of a community, impact others in a positive manner ... and no where on the list does it say 'be a size 6'. Weight loss has been a major issue of my life for the last 18 years, and will likely be one for another 18. I may never feel confident and strong in my body regardless of what it looks like, but my mind and my attitude and my psyche are confident and know exactly who I am.
One thing that's always been important to me is empowering women. This year I get to be an active partner in that goal by participating in The Vagina Monologues. It will be cool, fun, exhilirating, difficult, emotional and potentially painful. But if nothing else, I'll get to see a fantastic show come to life and share with others what my version of an angry vagina looks like.