So I weighed in yesterday ... and gained. I honestly don't know how that happened. I have eaten better and worked out more in the last week than in the last three MONTHS. It's like gaining is the worst thing that could happen, so why do I bother getting on the scale each week? I am thinking of cutting back to bimonthly - make sure that I don't go up, but not have to deal with the weekly fluctuations.
I had lunch with my folks today, and the faulty thinking habits were in full force. We were at DQ in Lockwood, and to prove that I'm a big girl and can do what I want - I ate. An Ultimate cheeseburger, fries and an enormous cone. I wouldn't eat that stuff normally, but when my folks are around all my good habits seem to disappear. Take this example - at their house, I eat Pop Tarts. I haven't eaten Pop Tarts in years. Haven't bought them since I moved to Billings, at least. And when they have cookies and chips in the house, I will take handfuls, then hide them until I get somewhere I can eat them alone. I remember doing this as a kid - walking into the kitchen like it was no big thing, getting as much junk food as I could stash, and walk back to my room like I wasn't up to mischief. I don't know if I ever fooled anyone, but the feeling of getting away with something was always so laced with guilt that I don't think I even got any satisfaction from it. And just like Adolescent Angie, today I was awash in self-loathing and guilt after the meal. I can't begin to number the times I've detailed this experience with my therapist, who encourages me to think of food as fuel. Food hasn't been fuel at all, ever, in my life. I have to work very hard to change that thinking now. It must be like languages - healthy habits are easier to learn when you're a kid. Please know that this isn't in any way pointing blame or faulting my family. I am the one who chooses to do this. I'm just saying that sometimes I make really lousy choices.
*NOTE* I have now tried to post this three times. Funny how life gets in the way?
(Sunday)
I started my new workout routine today. Or what I hope becomes a routine. I did 10 mins. walk, 10 bike, 10 elliptical. I would like to do that circuit once, then twice, then three times, as in every other day. Walk or lift or swim on off-days according to soreness and time. I have only missed the "every other day" rule once, and that was on the Fourth when temps hovered at 104. Napping seemed to be a better health choice that day.
I have also started rating my food intake. I get a star, plus or minus according to the day's eating patterns. I had a couple minus days in a row, but now a star and yesterday a plus. I am hoping that I can determine if there are patterns or routines that I can prepare for. And, if I see more minuses than plusses at the end of the month, try to be more concious about it in the next 30 days.
Craig and I went to the movies twice this week. Earlier in the week we went to Hancock. It was 10 pm, I had just gotten off work. Was very hungry ... so proceeded to eat half of a large popcorn, bag of twizzlers and pop. When my weight was up the next morning, I couldn't help but think that had something to do with it. Today, I took my own snacks. Had a Fiber One bar, bag of grapes, and I took in a pop and water bottle. I didn't drink anything. I left feeling ... ok. Not like I'd binged. Not heavy and engorged. Not disgusted or guilty. I just felt fine. Much better than the other option.
My most-recent message from "The Secret" (I subscribe via email) was about Request-Believe-Receive. I suffer from self-doubt and cynicism. Well, maybe I don't suffer but it certainly influences my life. I sold Mary Kay once, for a nanosecond. And the whole time the director was convincing me this was going to be the best thing I ever did, I was thinking "bullshit." I didn't want to do it, didn't think I'd be good at it, didn't believe my personal success was possible via that route, and basically set myself up for failure. And guess what - I did. The same thing goes with my weight loss and to some extent, my job search. If I think "I'll never lose weight" or "I'll never find a job" I probably won't. It's similar to the saying "whether you can or you can't, you're right". I even caught myself, as I was reading Secret success stories, thinking "this is all hooey". Well, I believe that the people who had success attributable to the Secret don't think so, or they would have never gotten there! The Law of Attraction is certainly powerful - think about when you really want something and it just somehow comes into your life. It's applicable to a lot of things, but part of the law comes from working it. You can't just sit around thinking "I believe I'll lose weight". You have to *show* you believe. We don't walk around saying we believe in God but never acting on it. We incorporate thanksgiving, prayer and worship in our lives. The more we look for God in our lives, the more she/he is evident. Faith begets faith.
I found an exercise on line that has the reader write the five top reasons they are going to lose weight. They can be anything as long as it is something important to , not family, friends, or the latest designer's vision. Here are mine:
2. My family. I want to be around a long time to spend my life with Craig, and someday even have kids. I don't want to be a mom that drags around.
3. My health. Heart disease is the number one killer of women in the US. Diabetes is a real concern for anyone with a BMI as high as mine. I already have back problems and breathing problems, and those aren't going to get better as I age unless I have less of myself to haul around. And finally, there are some very real scientific connections between the cell mutation that brings on cancer and obesity. I quit smoking for me, and now I'm going to be healthy for me.
4. CLOTHES. That's right. I am that superficial. I want to walk into a store and buy anything I want. I want to look good regardless of how old a tshirt is (Last summer's clothes are NOT this summer's clothes, for example). And I want to go shopping with my friends and not need to separate to go to the Fat Girls' section.
5. To love me more. I look at my body, I see my reflection, and I don't like it. I see pictures of myself and think 'my god is that what I've become?'. I am self-concious to the point of wondering if others are judging me, and with that comes a loss of self-confidence. A strong Ang is my favorite kind, but that Ang is hard to get to come out and play when she is overpowered by thinks-she-is-ugly-and-fat Ang.
Try it. Think about it. If you're on a weight loss journey, why? If it's not about you, reassess. Because this is a really hard project and if you're not going to be the one getting satisfaction out of it why would you bother?
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