I've had a bad day ...

My head is throbbing and my eyes ache to the back of my head. When I woke from my nap today, I had a couple peaceful seconds before I remembered, then I'd crawl back under the covers, fighting tears. I've felt like throwing up all day and forgot my glasses cleaning cloth in the desk.

Today, I was fired.

No reason was provided, other than I'm in my probationary period and it didn't work out. I've been dumped before, and it hurt, but it was never 8 days before Christmas with gifts yet to buy. My pleas to my boss for further explanation was met with "you're looking for an event and there wasn't one". So no matter how many times I replay the arguments with residents, refusal to use blue pen or various missteps on my part, I'm not able to see what might have been the button that pushed me out the door. The truth is, I was not well-liked by the administration, and someone just decided it was time.

So tomorrow, I'm applying for jobs.

I have several applications filled out, a couple emailed off already. I'm joining Molly at a temp service tomorrow and could likely start answering phones somewhere next week. There will be no sleeping in, no napping and more cooking, cleaning and working out. My job is to get a job, but the off hours will allow for plenty activity that doesn't including moping.

Tonight though, I get to mope. I intermittently cried throughout the evening, avoiding phone calls while watching bad television. Dinner was buttery popcorn with chocolate, washed down with a bottle of wine (husband said I could only have one). With each piece of Dove chocolate I unwrapped, I'd try to decipher the "promise" by the light of the tv, hoping for some clue to my future. "Be a role model," one said; "Take a minute to unwind" was the advice of another. But the one that is perhaps most easily forgotten and most important to remember is this: Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die tomorrow.
It's corny on all sorts of levels - including the fact it was my graduation motto in high school - but I think the message is clear. I was unhappy at work for 4 months. That's 640 hours of not enjoying life, of wishing it away, of not really even liking who I was. So while I'm unemployed, I'm going to try to at least enjoy the extra time with Craig, the personal reflection and the character growth I'm sure to someday appreciate. Because to have wasted 640 hours was too many. In the next days, and in my next job, I hope to waste none.