Nightmare Dreams

All night - three or four times, at least - I had a variation on the same dream: work called, they made a mistake and wanted me to come back to the agency.

I remember being so pissed, and their consolation gift was allowing me to write greivance on my former boss. The form was a carbon copy, as so many there are, and I struggled to write in the small box provided.

Before falling asleep I wondered if I'd dream they wanted me back, the same way I would with boyfriends after splitting up. So I wasn't surprised the situation bubbled up in my subconcious but not really very pleased - it poses the question, would I go back? Could I?

I think ultimately, I would. And then work like crazy to get the hell out of there. I need the paycheck, and dignity and standards are small dice when compared with student loans. I would likely hate it, and myself, but at least I might numb this feeling of embarassment, shame and failure.

At one point in the night, the dogs needed to go out and when I got back inside, tore open the newspaper that had been waiting outside. The "Work for You" section couldn't wait til daylight, I decided. There was so little there, not a single job that speaks to my soul.

Will I be sacrificing my dreams in my next job? Most likely. But honestly, I'd sweep floors if I enjoyed my coworkers. A friend told me once, while I complained about work, that she doesn't love her job so much, but her coworkers make her laugh before 9, making the worst day tolerable. I couldn't help but be jealous.

On her facebook last night, a good friend and former coworker wrote about what happened to me, and she hoped I'd wear my refusal to back down and accept the status quo as a badge of courage. Right now I am allowing myself to be put in that place of "women should be seen and not heard", somewhat as penance but also thinking it's a lesson I should take from this ... strong women were not celebrated by my boss, and the misogynistic culture of working in corrections did not really mesh well with my not-gonna-take-it attitude. But I know that I couldn't have kept my mouth shut, it's not in my nature.

And when I asked Craig, who warned me to not rock the boat, if he was angry with me for having done so and ultimately being fired, he said to wish my fight and energy for justice to be eliminated would be to wish part of what he fell in love with gone, and he wouldn't want to do that anymore than for me to wipe away the silliness of his personality. I'm glad that is his attitude, because the truth is I've never been able to go with the flow if something was wrong about a situation - not in high school, not in college or former jobs. It's what led me into journalism, a passion for rightness, and when I saw I wouldn't find it in that field, I moved into mental health where helping others make sense of their lives would meet my own need to breed goodness in the world.

That is the characteristic I most hope my own children might have, though I hope to teach them how to use it and cultivate it to bring fulfillment in their own lives. My parents, I think, were so astonished by my passion and empathy they just backed off to see where it would take me. So far, it's been four firings, periods of loneliness and despair, but the eventual placement of a gay pastor at Holden, and passing a healthcare bill for kids. Those successes are so much more alive in me than the faults.

So even though I certainly wish I hadn't lost my job, I also know that I didn't lose the part of me that's most important. Maybe the dreams were a reminder of that.