Mind Control

For the past two weekends, it's become glaringly obvious how much I let others control my feelings. Not like a zombie or anything, and I'm not talking about the evil media (although the ShamWow guy has me convinced). Rather, it's likely someone I know. And they don't always use that power for good rather than evil.

Yesterday Craig and I had a fight after lunch because he wanted to go home and I wanted to do errands. My aversion to making two trips to the west end is so that I would rather he stay in the car and moan. After one stop, I took him home since he was feeling so icky, because the guilt was making me feel icky too. But because of that fight, I took my sweet time doing errands. Usually I want to spend every spare second of our Sundays together, but this time I wandered around Target, spending 20 minutes in the floss aisle.

And because I was upset and guilty and angry, I decided to REALLY show him and buy a bar of Cadbury dairy milk. And Eat. The whole. Thing.

Ha! Now I can be bitchy AND fat!!

It's like I should assign myself Thinking Error Reports.

Another example of this, also an issue on Sundays, is church. We used to LOVE our church and we went every week. But after I got fired from my youth ministry job (no fault of my own), we just haven't been able to go back. We've made amends with pretty much everyone involved. I took the complaint to the staff comittee. And we even went back a few times. But it just doesn't feel the same anymore.

So because of someone else's asshat behavior, we no longer worship where we married. We don't really go to church at all, actually. And the place I nurtured my spirituality is gone, along with it, my feeling of connection to the Spirit.

It sucks, really.

You'd think as someone who knows so much about OTHER people's minds, I'd be able to at least control my own. And yeah, I'm working on it. But it's a goal much harder to measure than 'lose five pounds'. I think the first step, no more fight chocolate. The first rule of fight chocolate is to not have fight chocolate.